New common text Divergent hailed as apex of English literature

Veronica Roth’s seminal work, “Divergent,”has been universally hailed by Loyola faculty as the height English literature, the new first-year common text and the be-all-end-all of collegiate education.

Our president, Father Brinnane, said, “It was wonderful to see the announcement so immediately accepted by the whole of the Loyola community—professors and students joining together to celebrate the announcement with the burning of every other book on campus in a ritual fire.” The English department faculty danced around the fire while LoCoLitSo club leaders Sean Creedon and Wes Peters chanted the song of enlightenment. Unsurprisingly, the rest of the world quickly followed Loyola’s lead, just like St. Ignatius predicted when he founded Loyola College in 1852. The entire Jesuit mission has been building up to this singular moment, when “Divergent” would liberate us from plebian, lower-minded “literature.”

Although it was first announced by Father Brinnane, the fallout was immediate and widespread. Libraries everywhere replaced every single one of their books with “Divergent.” Shakespeare, Voltaire, Kant, Twain, Milton and all others became “Divergent.” The Library of Congress realized how wrong they had been in stocking anything other than “Divergent,” and so all historical records became replaced by “Divergent.” President Obama read “Divergent “over the radio for the whole of the country to fall asleep to each night. Loyola Republicans rejoiced. All critical literary magazines announced that they would no longer consider any other works next to the masterpiece that is “Divergent,”and that they would no longer rate by any number of stars, but rather a certain number of ambiguous fire circles on a scale of 0 to “Divergent.”

When Dr. Brosteen was informed he had to teach a class on the effect of “Divergent”on Romantic Literature, he said, “But then I told them, I didn’t specialize in Romanticism! I can make it work, however. ‘Divergent’ has had such a large impact on writing throughout human history that it really cannot be ignored.” The tapestry that hangs over the main staircase in the Humanities building has been replaced with stills from the film-adaptation of “Divergent,” which will attempt to transform its unparalleled character development from the page onto the big screen. Most believe, though, that the movie is a cash grab, rather than a true work of art, as the novel was.

One Loyola student informed the Greyhound that “It just could never work, like, a masterpiece is a work that has already found its perfection in a definitive form, and to substitute the language of the camera for that of the written word is, like, a travesty. A travesty indeed. Praise be to ‘Divergent.’”