Although Bachelor Pad came to an end, Bachelor in Paradise was a gift sent from God (and ABC). It was only kind of trashy and pathetic. Score! Who wouldn’t want to watch former Bachelor and Bachelorette contests stranded on an island, drinking and venting to Jorge, the bartender (is he single???), and desperately seeking a rose so they don’t get sent home? Yes, these singles are looking for love, but Chris Harrison used the word “dramatic” way more (his most-used and favorite dictionary word). Below are the highlights of my favorite people from this season’s Bachelor in Hell, I mean Paradise.

Ashley I

Have you ever liked a boy, to an obsessive (possibly psychiatric-level) amount, but he didn’t like you back? Oh wait, did you ever like a boy, stalk him and cry every three hours on national TV because he didn’t like you back? Then your self-esteem can’t be as low as Ashley I’s, after her traumatic experience with “the most perfect human being in the world,” Jared. Jared couldn’t be more boring this season. He hid in his room, pretended to flatter Ashley while she snot-rocketed in his face, and then hid in his room some more.

“I’m in love with Jared” – Ash

“I still don’t like you” – Jared

Jaclyn

Can you say 40-year-old cougar? I can. Jaclyn is that uncomfortable person that had some unfortunate series of life events, causing her to think she’s the most beautiful human, and can’t believe no one wants to go on a date with her. Jason accepted a date from her, before deciding he actually wanted to go on a date with Cassandra. Then Jac made herself feel better by bashing Cassandra.

“I mean he’s way shorter than her so flats for life not my thing” – Jaclyn, still single

Jade & Tanner

Jade and Tanner were perfect and beautiful, to say the least. They were the only couple that didn’t experience drama, and got engaged at the end. So that’s about it (yawn).

Carly & Kirk

Just when I began to believe in love again while watching Jade and Tanner, Kirk brought me back to reality. Can’t. Trust. Anybody. Perhaps Carly was a bit forward by mentioning having Kirk’s children, but Kirk didn’t stop her. WHY KIRK WHY. I was most impressed how quickly Jade started crying before even knowing what happened. I thought I could cry on command, guess not.

“I hate you, I hate you, get away” –Carly

“I still like you, Kirk” –Me