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The Greyhound

The Student News Site of Loyola University Maryland

The Greyhound

Student tech startup ‘eWeave’ takes The Cloud by storm


Two enterprising Loyola students are making waves with their innovative, cutting-edge tech startup, eWeave. Seniors Ambi Guzman and Skrillex DePaulio are already being hailed as “the next Mark Zuckerberg” for their hotly anticipated social network that’s poised to spark a paradigm shift in the new media marketplace.

“We call it eWeave. It’s part Twitter, part Facebook and all cloud.” said Guzman. “We want to bridge the digital divide between immersive HTML5 crypto-currencies, and the hashtag generation.”

Innovation. Big ideas. Snapchat.

I’m one of the lucky few who were given hands-on time with eWeave before its official launch next week. Everything worked out of the box, automagically. Five minutes after installing the app on my smartphone, I was already syncing my friends list with my Social Security account.

“Move over big data,” DePaulio chimed in, “the future of blog tech is here.” I couldn’t agree with him more, and I’m not alone.

Decland Bessowatt, a fifty-five year old venture capitalist who doesn’t understand technology at all, invested $4 million in exchange for a one percent stake in the startup company. “This eWeave thingamajigger is going to be huge. It’s got all the right bells, all the right whistles, and the potential turnover looks enormous. I’ve been assured by the co-creators that they will be ‘directing gigabyte level counter Googling right at the social media generation’s Tumblrs.’ This technology is going to change the game forever.”

But eWeave isn’t just attracting funds by way of private investment. Guzman and DePaulio are setting crowdfunding records on Kickstarter, and have recently surpassed $1 billion in user-supplied donations. Crowdfunding is nothing new: these websites aggregate and filter crowd-backed opportunities into investment pools using web-based on-boarding and a sophisticated credit algorithm that is much more effective for entrepreneurs than those that banks use. “It’s super simple stuff,” Guzman said.

Steve Jobs himself flew in from Cupertino, Appleoosa to congratulate the young entrepreneurs on their success. “Looking at you two sure takes me back. Why, it was only fifty years ago that Bill Gates and I put the finishing touches on the Manhattan Project, setting the stage for a century of mushroom-cloud innovation.” Mr. Jobs was welcomed at BWI by an entourage of snappily dressed, tech-savvy-looking young people.

The man, the myth, The Cloud.
The man, the myth, The Cloud.

Guzman and DePaulio know they have a hit on their hands, and are ditching Baltimore in favor of Silicon Valley in two weeks. The two were kind enough to pay for me to visit their office space, and I must report that I’m impressed. Beanbags are scattered everywhere throughout what the duo call their “idea space.” It’s all very techno-minimalist, which is how you know it’s cool and hip. But employees at eWeave are offered perks that humble even the mighty beanbag chair: each worker is given a comfy 24 hours of flex-time per day.

“It’s how we keep morale high” said DePaulio. “Our employees are free to pursue what really drives them like pleasure reading, zen jazzercise or becoming a fertility goddess. All on company time too! This is going to revolutionize corporate culture in the wireless hashtag age.”

Most interestingly, the government wants in on the eWeave buzz too. White House Press Secretary Ron Paul said, “The administration is taking steps to integrate eWeave into the day-to-day operations of government.”

Imagine submitting your tax returns via Snapchat. Imagine reblogging your TwitFace to apply for a job. Imagine Pinterizing your family photos right to your iClock. Imagine all that, but with the power of cloud. This is what eWeave brings to the table.

It’s high speed, low drag innovation in its purest form. It’s everything you love about youth-tech social networks, right in the palm of your hand. It’s the next step in the digital revolution of web 3.0 meatware. Guzman and DePaulio truly are (collectively) the next Mark Zuckerberg.

And like Mark Zuckerberg, 2013’s biggest philanthropist according to Forbes, the duo is already doing its part for those in need. “We will donate one iPad to a starving African child for every Snaptweet sent over the eWeave network.” Depaulio said. Guzman chimed in, “This is exactly the kind of aid they need over there. We just want to make a difference.”

The future of eWeave looks bright indeed. If there’s one thing to take away from all this, it’s that I’m covering this tech startup, despite not understanding it at all, just to make it look like I have my finger on the pulse of young people these days. Because I’m not an out of touch editor bandwagoning on trends. I swear!

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  • D

    DylanApr 1, 2014 at 2:39 am

    What happens when there is too many clouds and we block the sun out?

  • H

    HowardFeb 18, 2014 at 10:52 pm

    What do you have against social media you misogynist?

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Student tech startup ‘eWeave’ takes The Cloud by storm