After months of fierce negotiation and numerous threats from both parties, Greyhounds are sorry to see their favorite caffeine mermaid leave the Evergreen campus. Parkhurst Dining has succeeded in buying out the campus Starbucks, located in the Andrew White Student Center between the Fine Arts wing and the old mailstop.

The Seattle-born coffee chain has been the highest grossing Starbucks in the city since it came to campus years ago. Students, faculty, staff, touring prospects, and rival sports teams alike can all be seen ordering their favorite coffee confections, made easier by the mobile app Tapingo.

Students who rely on coffee to get through their jam-packed schedules are outraged by this change. “I’m going to die,” Molly Werts ‘19 said. Werts is on the varsity volleyball team and visits the joint as frequently as five times a day.

If anything, seniors are relieved to be leaving the Evergreen campus before this massive switch in coffee providers.

“Yeah I’m dropping out, this isn’t worth it anymore,” Dan Ostmann ‘19 said. Despite being 48 days away from graduation, Ostmann feels as though he can no longer remain a Greyhound under these circumstances.

To compensate for this major loss, Parkhurst is offering generous deals to students. Black coffee will be sold at 38 cents a piece, a welcome change from Starbucks drinks which range anywhere from $3 to $6.

The creativity of Starbucks will not go in vain, either. Students will be able to give their drinks a pump of local flavor with the all new Old Bay syrup. Greyhound Faculty Advisor Kevin Atticks, who was invited to an exclusive faculty syrup tasting, likens this flavor to the notorious Pumpkin Spice Latte, “but better.”

Despite the passionate discontent that many students have expressed towards this change, others believe that it is for the best.

“Starbucks is overrated anyways,” Matty Brown ‘20 said.“It’s a capitalist franchise that has no place at this liberal arts institution.”

From the relocation of the bookstore to the extension of Beatty Hall, change is in the air here at Loyola University Maryland. Luckily, you can always count on Starbucks for a midday pick me up, because you’ve just been pranked.

APRIL FOOLS!