I’ve got a bone to pick with you so-called “editors.” Last week, I was lounging in my study reading The Greyhound, as is my custom, and was blind-sided by an error so heinous it made me vomit all over my expensive mahogany credenza.
Nestled discretely in the Opinions section was an opinion I personally disagreed with.

Is this some kind of joke to you? Do you have such little respect for your positions (that you are no doubt paid handsomely to occupy) that you would let such an abomination of prose slip through the cracks?

After calming down with some deep-breathing, I decided that I’m willing to forgive The Greyhound its sin on two (very reasonable) conditions.

First, and most obviously, the entire editorial staff of the newspaper must resign. To demand anything less is to debase ourselves as a community, and to annihilate our credibility as a learning institution.

Second, all articles must be sent to me personally for approval. You can reach me at pedanticTwithead@insufferableNark.biz. The Greyhound has irrevocably proven itself incapable of policing its content for even the most glaring, armageddon-scale errors such as the one I brought to light.

Here’s hoping against hope that The Greyhound does the right thing.