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Campus rallies behind Loyola’s annexation of Notre Dame

Campus rallies behind Loyola’s annexation of Notre Dame

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As of March 12, 13:59, Father Brinnane has announced his intentions to annex Notre Dame of Maryland University as part of the expansion and reunification of Loyola University Maryland. Speaking to the pride of ethnic Loyolans, Fr. Brinnane called for the reclamation of the university’s position as “a superpower” in the continental liberal arts community. He laid claims on the university’s campus, insisting that Notre Dame is “part and parcel” of Loyola University. The president finished his declaration of annexation with a pronouncement that the true Jesuit Tradition would be preserved with the institution of this new agenda he calls Cura Loyolae. The audience rose to their feet with thunderous applause, as Fr. Brinnane lifted his arms with a flourish and ascended into the breaking winter clouds, fulfilling his Jesuit mission.

The order was handed down to Loyola’s ROTC, who drafted and implemented a strategy. It was not long until the program’s heads issued a statement that the time and date of the annexation had been laid out, though these details were kept confidential in fear of espionage on the part of Notre Dame. A chain-link barrier was erected between the two campuses, stretching from North Charles Street to the library bridge. Within minutes, the raucous snarling of the local lax bros could be heard from Newman to Rahner as the team was positioned along the Notre Dame front—now being referred to as the Jesuit Line by administration.
Offers of alliance were sent out via the women’s track team to Towson University, University of Maryland, and Johns Hopkins University. Only Towson has yet responded, promising moral support but hedging their own troops. Dr. Nick Toothby, nominated Ambassador of Collegiate Affairs by the Jesuits, assured the student body that the local universities “surely will come around eventually.”

Unfortunately, University of Maryland suffered a cyber-breach once again this week, when their classified cables with Loyola top brass were exposed on WikiLeaks. In response, several parties have risen up in defense of Notre Dame including President Obama himself and Georgetown’s nationally recognized Model UN, who have entered talks of hypothetically policing the conflict.

Notre Dame’s own response to the information leak regarding the armament was none too keen. They have tried to reach out to Loyola’s administration, but the Jesuits stand firmly by Cura Loyolae and refuse to compromise. Their administration continues to cite an intercollegiate treaty that states Notre Dame of Maryland University shall never be placed under control of Loyola, though scholars are skeptical of the document’s existence and have decried the treaty as illegitimate.

On the whole, the campus stands in solidarity on the annexation. Most students have taken to the Quad in Super Fan T-shirts brandishing green flags that read “Down With Dame” and “Ite Inflammate Universitatem.” Loyola Republicans rejoiced at the news. The Butler, Hammerman and Flannery dorms have formed a mob outside of the library, being closest to the front and closest to inebriation.
Without a doubt, the student body has been whipped into an unproductive fervor, often choosing wartime bonding at Murphy’s over their 8 a.m. classes. Due to this lack of attendance, all classes have been suspended for the duration of the annexation. When asked about their feelings regarding the situation, one student told the Greyhound: “I have no idea what’s going on, but dude, no classes!” and proceeded to join his friends in climbing to the top of Flannery to hurl textbooks off of the roof.

Boulder’s regularly scheduled buffet has been replaced with an armory for the Loyolan militia. SGA has been asked to assist the Boulder staff in distributing arms, while the Honor Council has been elevated as a tribunal for trying dissenters. Meanwhile, the newly revived Film Society has begun screening pro-Loyola propaganda produced by Greycomm Studios to build support for the administration’s efforts. Society leader Leo Gray called the films “riveting” and “true reflections of the unbridled Loyolan spirit.” War bonds are on sale in Humanities, and may be purchased with cash, credit or Evergreen.

At the break of dawn on April 2, the lax bros will begin to cross over the library bridge in ranks, newly outfitted in their foam pads ordered in bulk from Dick’s Sporting Goods. “They will expect the invasion from the bridge,” Director of Strategic Intelligence Dr. Katie DuPrees told the Greyhound earlier this week. “Now, we positioned a diversionary battalion in front of the FAC, who will simulate a direct assault on the Notre Dame tower. But our true offensive rests in an elite company holed up in the statue garden of the Evergreen Museum. These boys will push through to the President’s office when they’re looking elsewhere.” When asked if the Loyola administration expects casualties, Dr. DuPrees chuckled heartily and refused to comment.

Fatigued from endless hours of correspondence between local universities, Dr. Toothby capitulated and shared his personal thoughts on the annexation: “This whole macho-posturing business is really getting overdone. The tension is building up, and it all has to be released somewhere.” It can happen nowhere else than on the fields of the Jesuit Line. The student body will be waiting with bated breath for this inevitable clash between Loyola and Notre Dame. Until then, all we can do is support the cause and prepare for the day when Loyola University Maryland is whole again at last. Long live the Jesuit Tradition! Long live Cura Loyolae!

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